Great news! I had occasion to transit a desert settlement I call “Las Vegas.” While there, I visited New York, Paris and Rome…all within a couple of hours. No more multiple flights around the world, no more incurring carbon karma, not more tedium of airports. You can see the same boorish behavior, regrettable wardrobe choices and waddling midwesterners in Las Vegas as you could anywhere in the world.
Many readers, presumably prospective cat owners, have clamored for details of the New Cat Orientation guidelines. Xena found these fascinating and studied them intently. Here are the guidelines, re-formatted for internet viewing.
Welcome to the household! We hope that you will find your life here a satisfying and enriching experience. We have learned that you can make the transition to full-fledged house panther easier by following a few simple rules and remembering:
An orderly and disciplined approach to life is the key to happiness.
Archeologists from the University of Southern New Mexico have recently unearthed a well-preserved village near the the pueblo of Las Cruces. Dubbed “Mesilla” (pronounced meh SEE ya), this village displays the physical village arrangement typical of the first band of Spanish thieves. They established a sense of place by creating a town square called an “alameda,” after an island in San Francisco Bay.
I’ve discovered there is a thing called “Buc-Ee’s.” They are established on the roadside of major thoroughfares are serve the needs of the traveling public. Their mascot is a cast bronze beaver for some reason, as you can see below.
These retail outlets are an amazing combination of a Target, deli, truck stop and grocery store.
I have been savagely misled. Visited Cocoa Beach; it is ordinary sand! Doesn’t faintly resemble cocoa and makes a lousy hot beverage. Have not been so disappointed since visiting the Gold Coast. Geographers are a dishonest lot.
Otherwise, in all fairness, I must report that Florida is an awful place. It’s no wonder that the inhabitants thereof are so surly; I would be, too, if I were condemned to a life there. Did you know that it is possible to drive for 15, maybe 20 miles, down a road and see nothing but strip malls? I had no idea a place needed so many fast food chains, tattoo parlors, and knick-knack shops. There seems to be no end of Floridian appetites for such merchantilism. As an urban designer, I have to admit that it leaves me…depressed.
On the other hand, Florida has achieved an epic level of discourtesy and rudeness. I’m not talking about the customary insolence of what passes for wait staff in these parts. I hope you have never had to endure what I about to describe; the more sensitive may wish to resume watching cat videos. Entities, masquerading as people, pull into a gas station, occupy a pump, wander about the grounds, complete their Christmas shopping at the truck stop store, feast on government approved food products from the roller apparatus, take a nap, squabble with their spouse, all with complete indifference to the queue of people waiting to fill their tanks. An extraordinary display of callous disregard for others. As you might imagine, I’ve patronized many gas stations on my journey; these folk live exclusively in Florida.
I’m happy to report there is one redeeming quality to this (thankfully) vanishing part of America: song birds. The place is full of them, singing the songs of their people all day long. Bright red cardinals, pretty bluebirds flashing their colors, drab little brown birds…all of them singing their hearts out. Delightful.
While passing through Eastern New Mexico, I discovered a town quite infatuated with aliens: Roswell, New Mexico! I even met one, who was quite shiny and friendly.
There are numerous businesses in town focused on extra-terrestrials (as aliens are sometimes known). My favorite was this Scottish restaurant shaped like a flying saucer!
They even have food shaped like flying saucers!
Although I was unable to participate myself, one could purchase priceless alien artifacts and eat alien donuts while in Roswell.
Acting on a tip from intrepid explorers Jack and Tres, I have located a mother lode of fossil artifacts. According to legend, a tornado spawned by the Great Blow of 2015 vacuumed up several feet of the desert surface, uncovering magnificently preserved fossils from the distant past. This vast trove will keep fossilologists gainfully employed for a period of time. Read more.
Xena, the Warrior Princess, attends New Cat Orientation and studies the rules.
Ha! Whole Foods has outfoxed the Deep State, which is trying to force GMO foods and water on us all. Stock up while you can. Special bonus: it’s also kosher!
